The Secret Sauce

Last week, I was on a coaching call with my coaches, Mike and Kelsey, a Bible-believing couple who works with Christian entrepreneurs to help and equip them to do that thing that God has put on their hearts. (I've been working with them for almost a year and a half, and despite the fact that I've been "in business" since 2019, I'm only now laying the foundation that my baby business never had for all those years. I had built this business on the sand, and boy did the wind and rain and floodwaters keep knocking it all down again and again. I just kept rebuilding on the sand, thinking that it was anything OTHER than the foundation that was the problem...)

On the call, I was sharing my trepidation at launching something else out into the world... again... How many times have I launched something new? How many iterations of this business have I put out into the world? How many different programs have I designed and gotten really excited about only to hear crickets? What if this time it's no different? What if this time it's just as painful? What if this time it's actually WORSE, because somehow I care more now?!

I had been outsourcing my agency, looking anywhere outside myself for truth that only the Holy Spirit can reveal. I had been hoping (sort of) that someone would just do it for me (and then folks tried to do it for me, and turns out I really didn't like that either). I wanted to be spared the growing pains of learning something new, of building something from scratch, of learning things the hard way (the only way I seem to learn anything ;)). (I thought) I wanted to do it all by myself.

But the secret sauce I've found in creating something sustainable, glorifying to God, and rewarding: Jesus AND community! (Especially, but not limited to, a community of folks who also love Jesus.) Turns out that having Jesus as my whole C-suite has been revolutionary for my business. And having Mike and Kelsey in my corner as my coaches, along with the other incredible individuals also working hard doing the work God has put on their hearts, has been the best thing that has happened to me and my business!

So yes, I am launching AGAIN! But this time, I'm doing it differently. Instead of launching a fully done, fully ready-to-go program out into the world, I am soft launching a beta program (cue all the sweat…). That means when you join this program, while I have the outline and general idea of what we will be doing together, this is a partnership where you give me feedback and help me build this program in real time, making sure that this program is what you *actually* need. We'll be building this plane together while it's flying, if you will. Come be the Orville to my Wilbur!

Want to learn more about The Relationship Builder? Click here.

Failure to Launch

In the last blog, I told you about all my failures to launch the baby business of mine (2006 romcom with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker, anyone?). If you missed yesterday's email, you can read it here. [link to blog]

Looking back at all the missteps and mistakes I made in building and attempting to launch this business of mine, it feels PAINFULLY obvious now what the missing piece was. 

The missing piece was JESUS! 

I had never once given Him my business. I had never consulted Him before hitting the "pay" button on the courses I bought. I hadn't asked for wisdom when I was desperately hiring these coaches who I thought could help me finally launch, who I would allow to speak so deeply into my life and business. I was white-knuckling it on my own, swimming in a sea of frustration and fear, looking to ANYthing and ANYone but Jesus.

Ironically, from the very infant stages of my business, I knew I wanted to work with women, specifically Christian women who'd been fed a steady diet of Purity Culture and had perhaps kissed dating goodbye. Total-package women who were wondering what was wrong with them, what the holdup was on actually finding a date worth keeping. Women who had everything going for them EXCEPT that elusive partner to share their life with.

But somewhere along the way back in 2019, fear got the better of me, and I decided to simply omit Jesus. I wasn't sure that I wanted to say the things that were on my heart, because they were controversial and counter-cultural (at least in the Christian world) and who was I? I thought I was somehow selling myself short by having a faith-based business, eliminating potential clients by talking about my faith. (And honestly, I'd seen so many BAD faith-based businesses, with all the spiritual bypassing and Jesus-juking, and I wanted NOTHING to do with that, thankyouverymuch.) 

Years later, as I agonized over whether or not to put Jesus in my business, feeling very convicted that I really needed to, one particular coach encouraged me not to mention Jesus, going as far to say that I would make more money if I didn't include Jesus. Not surprisingly, I continued to make ZERO DOLLARS in my business with ZERO Jesus.

We fail to launch in our dating lives for the same reasons! It can be so easy to get caught up in the swipe-swipe-swiping, conversations that seem to go nowhere and mostly mediocre dates. You quit the apps; you try new ones. You swear off dating. You decide you're ready to try again... lather, rinse, repeat, only to find yourself frustrated once again, resigning yourself to joining a convent or being the cool aunt, all because you forgot to include the Ultimate Matchmaker. I know this cycle intimately. I can't tell you the number of times I failed to launch in my own dating career. 

One that is particularly painful to remember, I was on 9 dating apps (NINE!), living in Los Angeles, a suburbia of well over 10 MILLION people, meeting NO ONE. No matches, no dates, barely any messages. The last message I received (before I quit ALL the apps in one fell swoop) was from a very handsome, eligible bachelor who loved Jesus, who replied to my initial message that he had just gotten into a relationship with someone else and wanted to see where things would go. I wished him all the best, logged out of all the apps once and for all, and decided I needed to write a book about all this dating nonsense. (Thank the LORD that even when we don't actively include Him in our lives, He is still actively working on our behalf. I truly believe that it was Jesus keeping me from all the matches, forcing me to FINALLY quit the distractions and look to Him and what He was doing in my life.)

Including Jesus in your dating life also means exploring and connecting more deeply with who He created YOU to be, how He wired you, what makes you tick, and how much He LOVES you (among other things). And dating is an incredible vehicle for learning these things about yourself, even more-so when we include our Creator. 

Next time, we're talking about the powerhouse combo of including our Creator and COMMUNITY when it comes to dating. You might just find you enjoy your dating season more than you ever thought possible. 

What about you? How is Jesus a part of your dating season? Or are you like me, white-knuckling it all by yourself? Comment below, and let me know! 

When things don't go as planned...

I officially launched my business in May of 2019. I had been exploring the world of coaching, and through a series of events that seemed too perfectly timed to be coincidence, I began working with a (very expensive) coach on building my coaching practice. I learned a lot from her in the six months we worked together, but I couldn't seem to get my sea legs under her guidance. She had been mentored into a VERY specific way of coaching and communicating that she was teaching me, but it just wasn't ME; it was very stuffy and formal (hopefully 2 words you'd NEVER use to describe me ;)), and any attempt to find my own voice was met with correction and redirection.

I worked hard to find clients, but the way I was going about it felt calculated, formulaic and manipulative; in a word, GROSS. This coach was wildly successful (or so she told me) being calculated, formulaic and manipulative, so I erroneously assumed that her way was THE way to do things. But I just couldn't HACK IT! I had some success and worked with a few incredible women, who helped confirm for me that I really DID indeed want to coach single women! 

My first coach said that successful coaches always have a coach themselves, so when I finished my contract with her, I knew I needed something different, and I immediately jumped in with someone new, someone whose approach was almost completely opposite, very relaxed, very much about me finding my own voice and way. But her tactics and techniques involved a lot of f-bombs and boobs and lingerie in her content, and again, it just wasn't ME. I again had some success (despite not swearing or bearing all on the internet) and continued to work with some incredible women, but again, nothing sustainable.

My contract ended with her at about the same time I quit my day job. I thought that maybe the kick in the pants I needed to actually get some momentum in my business was to go ALL IN, to have the financial pressure to help spur me to action. I joined another mastermind and coaching group shortly after quitting my job, but I wasn't able to actually take my business anywhere. Again, some success, but nothing sustainable...

What was wrong with me?! Others seemed to be able to create these businesses of their DREAMS, have time freedom, location freedom, travel while making money in their sleep, all while doing meaningful work that they LOVED and I just couldn't HACK IT! Was it me?! Did I need another degree? (Probably not, but I got one anyway.) Was it a course I needed? (No, but do I have a graveyard of expensive, unwatched business courses claiming to be just the thing I needed? You bet I do.) Was it the coaches I was hiring?! (Maybe I just needed someone NEW!) What was the missing piece in all of this?!

Does this sound familiar? Maybe you're not an entrepreneur, but maybe you've had these thoughts about dating (I know I sure did!):

What is wrong with me? Others seem to find the relationships of their dreams, have their white picket fences, and live happily ever after... Why can't I HACK it?! Is it me?! Do I need a different app? Do I need new profile pictures? Maybe I need better hobbies. Maybe I need to go out more. Maybe I need to do what this gal or that gal did. What is the missing piece in all this?!

Part of the problem in both business AND in dating? Outsourcing agency. Looking for answers OUT THERE. I tried everyone else's plans, their tips, tricks, techniques, tactics... and they ultimately FAILED ME! Because they were too prescriptive and inauthentic to who I AM and how I operate in the world!

Does this sound like you too? Have you experienced this kind of frustration? What has been your biggest obstacle when it comes to meeting someone? Comment below!

Tomorrow, we’ll be exploring the missing piece in all my business missteps…

The Golden Bachelor

My husband rolls his eyes whenever we talk about the Bachelor, and I talk about how pervasive the Bachelor mentality is, how destructive the Bachelor mindset is to our understanding of dating, love, marriage. But the thing is, it’s subtle, and that may make its destruction even more damaging. 

He insists that it's scripted, produced, and performed even, and despite KNOWING that this is true, I always get caught up in the drama! We KNOW the “crazy” one has been hand-selected to drive views. We KNOW that life at the Bachelor house is not real life. We KNOW that alcohol flows so freely and abundantly, and always increases the volatility of the situation. We KNOW that a lot (most? all?) of what we see is a performance (how could it not be with cameras everywhere all the time?!).

And yet…

There is no denying that Bachelor Nation has infiltrated and informed 21st century dating. How could it not?! Over 21 years and 27 seasons, America has watched with rapt attention and bated breath as eligible singles from all over the country leave their lives, their jobs, their friends, their homes, to travel to Southern California, in the name of LOVE.

This season, the Bachelor is appealing to a different crowd, and for the first time, the Bachelor is a Golden Bachelor– age 72, who is looking for love after the death of his wife of 43 years. Gerry (pronounced Gary) has 20 women from all over the country, ranging in age from 60 to 75, flock to him in the name of LOVE. Widows, divorcees, retired, never married… Ready to find love.

I was so excited for this season! WOMEN, I thought, finally! Not 20-something girls who have little idea who they are, let alone what they want, but women who’ve lived full lives (at least in length if not also in depth), women who know a thing or two about how the world works, how love works, women with life experience, the kind that comes from time spent LIVING.

But when I cued up the TV on Thursday to watch the season premier, I was honestly shocked. And disappointed. The show played out EXACTLY as it usually does, except there were more wrinkles and grey hairs. (There was still plenty of Botox and hair dye too.) But the show lacked the depth I was hoping women who’d lived at least 60 years on earth would bring. (There were definitely some moving moments— Paula?! I mean, COME ON! Tears!)

I talked to a friend of mine who just turned 72, and she was upset! “Women my age don’t act like this!” she said several times during our conversation. The difference, I’m realizing as I write this, is that my friend knows who she is. She knows what she likes and doesn’t like, what she wants and doesn’t want, and she is unapologetic about who she is. Life has thrown her some major curveballs that might take out a lesser woman, but not my friend. She has persevered and overcome incredible obstacles in her life, and the behavior we saw on the Golden Bachelor premier absolutely does not reflect her or her generation.

Granted, it was only the first episode of the season, and will I be watching every single episode as they air?! YOU BETCHA. 

I’ve made a list of 10 unhelpful narratives that the Bachelor Nation perpetuates, and throughout this season, we will explore how these insidious beliefs have infiltrated so much of the 21st Century’s dating experience. Stay tuned.

Have you watched the Golden Bachelor? Will you be tuning in? I’d love to hear your thoughts on all things Bachelor/Bachelorette!

New Year, New You? No thanks.

“New year, new me!” No thank you!

Unpopular opinion: this new year doesn’t need a new you. You don’t need a new you. 

What if all this new year required of you was to be MORE you, more of the very you that you already are? More of your gifts in the world. More of your presence to those around you. More of your light shining. More of the very essence of what makes you you.

Resolutions won’t make this happen. More time at the gym isn’t the answer. A smaller waist or a smaller number on the scale won’t get you there. Eliminating a food group? Nope. Because change doesn’t actually happen until we accept what is. And that’s really all that there is anyway, right? (And this is precisely why resolutions just don’t stick!)

So instead of making a list of resolutions heading into this new year, what if you approached things differently? Here are a few questions to ponder that might lead you more gently in the direction you want to go as the clock nears midnight:

• How do I want to feel in 2022? Emotionally? Physically? Mentally? Is there anything I need to let go of to achieve this? Anything I need to add to my life? 

• Who do I want to be in 2022? Am I happy with how I am showing up in the world? Are there areas where I am playing small? Areas where I need to step up and make a stand for myself? 

• How can I incorporate more play and pleasure into my life in 2022? What do I love doing? What makes me light up and lose track of time? How can I create more time in my life to make these things happen?

Are you ready to bring more of YOU to 2022? More of your glorious, beautiful soul. More of your unique gifts and talents. More of your presence and essence. More of you you YOU! 

Yes?

Well, okay then. Comment below and tell me one way you are going to show up and be your most wonderful, juiciest self in 2022.

(If you’re ready to dive in deeper as the year begins, I have a few spots open in my 1:1 practice, and I’m keeping 2021 prices through January. Been sitting on the fence about hiring a coach? There’s no time like the present! Click the BOOK A CALL tab to book a pressure-free discovery call.)

On Bras and Support

Have you given much thought to your bra wardrobe lately?

Sports bras, underwire bras, sexy bras, full coverage bras, bralettes, push up bras, minimizer bras. Whatever you want your boobs to do, there’s a bra for it. And the best kind of bra– you don’t even know you’re wearing it. You don’t have to continually adjust it, pull at it, fix it.

There are bras for every occasion– you wouldn’t wear a sports bra with a ball gown. And you probably wouldn’t wear your sexy lingerie bra to work out. 

The same is true with the emotional support we have available to us: therapists, coaches, psychiatrists, friends, family, partners, to name a few. 

In my emotional bra drawer, I have all of those people for support, and I will tell you, I don’t talk to any of them about the same things– they all offer different kinds of support:

• My therapist and I dig into old patterns and family dynamics. 

• My coach and I focus more on what I am creating in my life, where I am heading in the future. What do I want and what is holding me back from getting it. She is an emotional mastery coach, so there is a lot of focus on dropping into my body and getting in touch with what I am feeling.

• My psychiatrist? Those conversations are only about medications and how the meds are making me feel.

• My friends and family get to more anecdotal versions of the stories and life haps. 

• Andrew, well, he gets the whole menagerie. 

Is there some crossover between all of my peeps? Of course. My coach is brilliant at helping me see old patterns that are keeping me stuck and how they are keeping me from the life I want most. My psychiatrist helps me get really clear on what I am feeling in my body as it relates to meds. My therapist and I dream together about the life I am building.

I am a firm believer in therapy. I have been working with my therapist for upwards of 15 years. We are so complex as humans, and there are so many different facets to each of our lives, and having someone help sift through the skeletons in the closet and organize the emotional baggage is invaluable. 

I am also a firm believer in coaching. Having worked with a coach for the last 3+ years, and really diving in with Jen over the last 2 years, I can say absolutely that coaching is an entirely different form of support, one that I didn’t even know how much I needed until I got it. Jen has helped me navigate so much of my present experience. 

Different proverbial bras for different facets of my life. Different support as the occasion dictates. 

What about you? What support do you need to make 2022 the reality of everything that you’re dreaming? Are you in need of a new form of support for the new version of yourself? Someone to help call in the highest version of yourself? 

What are you dreaming for 2022? Comment below and make your stand!

If you’re ready to jump in and see if coaching is right for you, let’s schedule a discovery call and see if we’re a good fit. I’d love to support you on the journey that you’re on.

The Skill of Dating

What is a skill? 

One of the definitions in the Cambridge Dictionary is “an ability to do an activity or job well, because you have practised it” (practice with an s because they’re British).

Riding a bike is a skill. Playing a sport is a skill. Playing an instrument is a skill. Learning another language is a skill. Interviewing is a skill. Public speaking is a skill. Networking is a skill. Small talk is a skill. Holding a conversation is a skill. Heck, kissing is a skill. And yes, even dating is a skill. You weren’t born with the innate knowledge of how to meet up with a stranger to see if you’d like to spend the rest of your lives together.  

We take such umbrage at this idea, because it’s not romantic. It’s not sexy to have to practice dating to get good at it. (And what does being good at dating even mean?!) Yet if you were to decide to learn to play the violin, no one would scoff at your for hiring a teacher. Or if you wanted to learn another language, you’d hire a tutor. Want to get better at basketball? You’d hire a coach. And you’d practice your tail off if you really wanted to get good at those things. Sure, if you were tall and strong, maybe basketball would come more easily to you without too too much practice, but that’s not true for most of us.

Sometimes, in our profiles, we present our ideal selves instead of our real selves: pictures from 10#s ago, embellished stories, higher income… all the things we wished we had, but don’t. And we swipe, swipe, swipe on folks who are also presenting their ideal selves (generally speaking). Sometimes, folks are great at having a conversation via text, but cannot for the life of them, have a conversation in person or over the phone with the opposite sex. (That’s also a skill, I’d argue.) 

This is really good news, ladies. 

Because if dating is a skill and talking on the phone with a guy is a skill and kissing is a skill, you have all the control in the world to IMPROVE your skills. 

How do you improve your skills? Practice practice practice. Go on lots of dates! Kiss lots of frogs (if that’s your jam). Meet lots of new people, people who are different from you, people with different interests, people with different experiences, people with different preferences.

Different isn’t bad or good; it’s just different. I can tell you from my own experience that if you are willing to open your mind to the plethora of options out there while you’re looking for Mr. Right, you might just surprise yourself and find that what you thought you were looking for is in fact not at all what you want. And vice versa-- things you thought, ew, gross, no thanks, may be the very things that attracts you to someone else. 

I’m absolutely not advocating reckless behavior or promiscuity. I’m simply suggesting that you start saying YES! Even if you think that he’s a dud and that you have no future together. Because the truth is, you don’t really know, and you won’t really know until you try.

My love guru used to remind me before every. single. date. that I was simply meeting another human being, that it was nothing more and nothing less than that. And that was my mantra when I was out on dates with guys who I didn’t think were quite right for me. I showed up, did my best to be fully present with him and if I felt like there were fundamental irreconcilable differences, I’d call it a day. But I showed up. Again and again and again.

What about you? What small step can you take to say yes this week? Yes to a new experience. Yes to a new person. Yes to yourself! Let me know! I’d love to hear from you.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

2020, the year of perfect vision. The year of favor. The year of fill-in-the-blank. We’ve talked about what you want; we’ve talked about vision. What about the stories we tell ourselves? How do they affect our vision? 

What are the stories you’re telling yourself? Our stories serve a purpose. Perhaps, this is something we were told over and over as children, and so we wove it into the fabric of our being, not realizing that it wasn’t really ours in the first place. Our stories protect us. They keep us safe. And they can also keep us stuck if we don’t do the hard work of looking at the stories as just that-- stories.

Since the new year, I’ve taken up morning walks. They are always glorious, sometimes a little chilly (for California), and the color of the rocky mountains never disappoints. On my more recent walks, I’ve been reflecting on how far this feels from where I once was. 

Once upon a time, I was a runner. Let me go back a little further. Once upon a time, I WASN’T a runner. Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t a runner, that my body wasn’t built for running, that it would be better for me to stick to the pool. 

So I did. 

I swam on the ICE swim team, the Iowa City Eels. I competed. I dominated. I loved it. I was a swimmer. I was built to swim. What can I say? I’m part mermaid. 

One year for Halloween, I wore a shirt from a marathon, and let everyone at the Halloween party I went to know that there wasn’t a more appropriate costume for this non-runner. The “I’m not a runner” story I had adopted as my truth ran deep.

I don’t remember the details of how it happened, but somehow I signed up for a reverse triathlon at the Rose Bowl in 2010 (reverse because a triathlon is usually swim, bike, run). This race was a 5K run (3.1 miles or 1 lap around the Rose Bowl), followed by a 15K bike (9.3 miles or 3 Rose Bowl laps) and finished with a 500 meter swim in the Rose Bowl pool. I joked (not joking) that I wished the run and swim lengths could be switched. 

Nonetheless, I began training for the run, the whole run and nothing but the run. I wasn’t a runner. I wasn’t built to run. But I had to find a way to finish the race! I wanted to show those who’d said I couldn’t, that I COULD. 

As I began practicing at the Rose Bowl after work, I would run as far as I could and then stop to walk and work up the muster to run again. It was grueling. I did the Couch to 5K program, which was the perfect plan for this non-runner. I’d either run outside or at the gym and do my intervals and feel SO accomplished at the end of the workout. My goal on race day was to not stop. To not walk. To RUN the full 3.1 miles as if my life really did depend on it. 

That was how it all started. I wanted to show whoever it was who’d told me my whole life that I could indeed run. (I mean, how absurd, not being able to run. It’s one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat, repeat!) I initially looked at running as flipping a big bird to those who’d told me, “you can’t.” And it was about reclaiming the part of myself who’d believed all the nay-sayers.

That little reverse triathlon unleashed something in me. The costume I’d worn for Halloween quickly became my Saturday morning uniform. I trained after work. I trained before work. I trained on weekends when I wasn’t running races. I spent several summers in Spain during my running years and ran races there too. I had discovered a part of myself that I loved, and I wanted to continue to get better. 

The apex of my running career was March of 2013 (more on why later). I ran the Los Angeles Marathon, pounding 26.2 miles of pavement between Dodger Stadium and Santa Monica Pier. I didn’t set any records. My race time was nothing for the books. Because this race was not about records or PRs; it was about finishing what I’d set out to do. Crossing that finish line was one of my proudest moments. I lost all 10 toenails on that 6 month journey to the end. I’d missed happy hours with friends, birthday parties, brunches. Yet I’d reclaimed and rebuilt a part of myself I didn’t know existed. What I found on the other side? More pride than I could ever imagine. More possibility than I ever knew existed. It’s worth it, I promise. Even with all those lost toenails.

What stories are you telling yourself? What limiting beliefs are holding you back from the life you’ve always dreamed and imagined? How can you begin to rewrite that story today?

As always, I’d love to hear from you. Shoot me an email. Leave a comment below.

2020 Vision

Last week was all about asking yourself what you want. The beauty is you can stop and ask yourself this question at any point during the day, during the week, during the month! It’s a great practice to slow down, take a deep breath and check in with yourself before you commit to anything. In the day and age of FOMO, it can be easy to say yes to ALL THE THINGS (I know I’m sure guilty of it...), but at the end of the day, are these yeses in alignment with what you want most for yourself and your life?

What is your vision for your life? 

Where are you headed, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally? 

2020 marks not only the beginning of a new year, but a new decade! What would you like to be different in 2020? In the next decade?

Who would you like to become in the next year? 10 years?

So often, we get stuck in the mundane day-to-day that we forget to take time to reflect on where we’ve been and envision where we’re going. 

What are some small action steps you can take to make daily changes that will put you on that trajectory? Any pilot or helmsman will tell you-- a single degree off course can land you far from where you want to be, which is problematic if you’re on that plane or boat, but wildly encouraging if you’re looking to make any kind of change in your life. Nothing fails overnight and nothing succeeds overnight. “We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” Thank you, Aristotle. 

Create some space and time to reflect and to dream. Take out a blank sheet of paper and let your thoughts flow on the paper. Your creative juices may flow more freely with a pen and paper than a tablet or screen. Don’t censor yourself! It’s all just information. It is what you choose to do with it that counts.

What are some habits you’d like to cultivate in 2020? (So often, we focus on what we want to subtract from our lives: weight, sugar, alcohol, hitting the snooze button… you name it. Instead of looking at deprivation, what about abundance?) What do you want to add to your life? What feelings would you like to experience? What can you begin doing to cultivate these feelings? What brings you joy?

I’d love to hear your process! What is a one-degree change you can make as we step into this new year? How can you show yourself lots of grace and love as you step into this new unknown? How could this small change amount to so much more for you?

What do you want?

Those 4 words hold so much power. 

Read them again. 

What do you want? 

Close your eyes. 

Take a deep breath. 

What do you want? 

What are you tolerating in your life right now? What are you taking for granted? What lights you up inside? What makes you come alive? What makes time stop and pure joy fill your spirit?

Today marks not only the beginning of a new year, but also a new decade! 

Another year under our belts, another decade down. 

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. 

How is your life different today from this time last year? From this time 10 years ago? How have you grown? How have you changed? What have you created? What have you let go of? What have you embraced? 

I bet if you sat down and took inventory of all the things, you’d be blown away at what you’ve overcome, what you’ve experienced, what you’ve accomplished. Sometimes, we get so focused on the future that we forget to reflect and look back at where we’ve come from. Or even worse, we look back and find ourselves lacking.

I wanted to lose 20 pounds last year and here I sit, the same number on the scale (or maybe an even higher one), wearing the same sized clothing, feeling the same self-loathing towards my body. Why can’t I just stop eating and get moving? I will always be fat and unhappy. Pass the Oreos, please.

I was sure that 2019 would be the year I’d meet my person, and I’m still single. What is wrong with me?! Will I ever find love? Why does it keep happening for everyone else?! I want to be excited for my friends, but I just can’t take another engagement or pregnancy announcement. It’s MY turn. Why do I keep getting passed over?! This feels too hard, too much work. Maybe I’m meant to be a nun...

I didn’t get that promotion at work, and I barely got a 1% raise last year. There go all my hopes and dreams for the future, retirement, travel, right down the drain. I can’t seem to get out of this job though-- the benefits are just too good! But I need to make more money and don’t even know where to start.

I know I’m guilty of it, too. Enrolling myself in a victim’s story, a story where I am stuck and unable to get myself out of a rut. The stories we tell ourselves are like our childhood bedtime stories-- we’re familiar with them, intimately familiar. We know the twists and turns and the way the story plays out every time, and yet, we feel powerless to break free!

What if I told you that you CAN break free of the stories that don’t serve you? What if you hold within you the power to create WHATEVER YOU WANT? 

Now take another deep breath and think about the person you want to be in 365 days. Really conjure her up. Who is she? What is she like? How is she different from you today? What choices might you have to make over the next 365 days to become her? Write down your thoughts. What if 2020 was the year you decided to stop talking/complaining/venting/day-dreaming and finally make it happen?!

Next week, we’ll dive into what it looks like to begin CREATING that vision for yourself. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! Post a comment, shoot me an email--I’d love to hear what this experience was like for you!

Seek not for love

“Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Rumi

Think about that. Reread it. Let it sink in. Take a deep breath and read it again.

This hit me like a speeding train right the first time I read it. I keep ruminating on it, turning it over and over, because it's so counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. Especially when it comes to love! Yet it resonated with me so deeply.

Ladies, how much of life do we spend trying to control things external to ourselves, looking for things outside ourselves to satisfy our deepest longings? Our hearts get broken, and the walls get put up. We spin our wheels and spin our wheels and they just keep on spinning. Men can’t be trusted. Men are the worst! And then we despair. Will I ever find the man of my dreams? Will I always be stuck and single? (More on that later.) Has the last good man been taken by my friend who just got married? What is she doing that I’m not doing? What does she have that I don’t have? And away we go...

I hear you!

There's good news! As my grandma used to say, “There's a lid for every pot.” (Now, whether you're the lid or the pot, I'll leave that for you to decide. And I’m not saying that there’s only one lid for every pot. More on that here.) Ladies, there are more than 7 BILLION people on this earth. And you think your friends are just better at this than you are?! No way.

Let's pause for a second and let me blow your mind (this completely blew my mind wide open):

You could be married right now if you wanted to be.

Are you with me? Let me explain. Have you ever gone on a date with a man who was just goo-goo-gaga over you? Thought you were the bee's knees and the cat's meow? And you were decidedly not into him. Why? Maybe he was too forward. Too familiar. Too whatever and you said, no thanks. It's all good. My point is simply to say that if marriage or a relationship were the goal, you could be right there, right now. But let me challenge you and propose that perhaps marriage and relationship in and of themselves are actually not the goal! Being with a man who makes you feel alive, who lights up your world and blows your socks off-- THAT'S the goal. And when you can keep that in mind as you go on dates, it might help you to have a more hopeful perspective. There are great guys out there. There are great gals out there! And you’ve got to believe that your person is looking for you the same way you’re looking for them.

So I'll say again, if marriage and relationship were the goal, you could be there already. I'm sure you have high school friends or college buddies for whom this is true: they got married in their late teens or early 20s to the only man or woman they've ever loved, had a few kiddos, and are maybe still living that happily (or unhappily) married life. I have several friends who got married early in the 20s and who are now divorced. A few are remarried and happy as ever. Because they learned the hard way that actually, marriage itself wasn’t the goal-- they wanted a kick-ass relationship with an incredible human. (Not that their exes weren’t great folks, just not their folks.)

So read Rumi again: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Take some time and reflect: what are the barriers you have built within yourself that are keeping you from the love you want? I’d love to hear from you!

Swipe left, swipe right

Swipe, swipe, swipe…

Are your thumbs tired from all that swiping? Girl, I hear you. Online dating is exhausting. You have a great profile, lots of cute pics of you and your dog and your friends and your adorable nephew and you doing your favorite activities, all while looking fresh and fabulous, of course. You know you’re a catch, your family knows you’re a catch, your friends know you’re a catch. So why aren’t you happily coupled already?!

With all the dating apps out there today, it’s tough to say for sure if you’re even looking in the right place, given all the niche sites out there now. Match based on dog preferences, music tastes, celebrity look-alikes, farmers tans). I mean, do you really need to have an active profile on ALL THE SITES?! I need a nap just thinking about it. Thankfully, Consumer Advocate has done a lot of the legwork for you! Check out this comprehensive guide to the top online dating sites, their features, services, and what to watch out for when using them. This site is GOLD if you’re getting into online dating, truly.

But seriously. In a city of an estimated 18.1 MILLION people here in this sprawling metropolis of Los Angeles, and on a planet of 7.3 BILLION people, there’s got to be SOMEONE out there for you, right?! Absofrickenlutely. So what gives?

First and foremost, “online dating” is a misnomer. You do NONE of your dating online. A more apt name for the whole process would be “online MEETING.” You meet online; you date offline. As we have more and more real-time online interactions, it can be easy to feel like you are offline! Heck, you can join practically ANYONE on their day-to-day endeavors via Instagram & SnapChat. But don’t be fooled. You’re still online! And offline is where the magic is!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting abandoning online dating altogether. Quite the contrary! I am suggesting it be used for the very powerful tool that it is-- an instrument of MEETING.

So if offline is where the magic is, GO TO THE MAGIC AND GET OFFLINE ASAP! Have a few phone conversations or FaceTime to vet the guy. There’s a lot to be learned about a guy through his voice, conversation style, listening abilities, capacity to ask meaningful questions. But even the phone still isn’t fully real life!

With all the crazies out there, I’m not advising anything stupid. This person, no matter how many phone calls you’ve had or how deep you’ve found yourself on his IG feed, is still a stranger. Be smart; be safe.

What I’m suggesting is that you get offline and into the real world as soon as possible. No pen pals allowed. The difficulty with keeping things online for too long is you begin to fall in like with the highlight reel, not what is actually real (we all know the highlight reel is a version of reality as seen through the rosiest of colored glasses).

So keep your expectations low (as in, based in REALITY!), and proceed to getting offline as soon as is humanly possible, so you can meet a real person in real life, and not find yourself disappointed by a figment of your imagination. (Or maybe reality will be disappointing, but at least you’ll know and won’t spend weeks or months (and valuable brain space) building up something up that wasn’t for you in the first place.)

As John Michael Montgomery crooned, “Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.”

Give those thumbs a rest and put on your dancing shoes, ladies!

The Myth of "The One"

Today, more and more singles are staying single for longer, and despite plentiful availability of partners (or at least potential partners) via social media and online dating, more and more folks are still single. We all have single friends who make us scratch our heads-- “Why is he or she still single?! They’re such a great catch and anyone would be lucky to be with them!” So what gives?

I blame it on the myth of “the one,” soulmates and the “spark.” Somehow, we’ve collectively accepted the idea that if there’s no spark on the first date and if we can’t picture our whole life together with this person after a single meal or cup of coffee, then he or she is simply not the one.

But what if there’s no such thing as “the one”? What if there is more than one person who could be your “perfect” match? I know I’m stepping into sacrilegious territory here, but stick with me.

What if your soulmate isn’t someone you meet? What if you become soulmates as you create a healthy, meaningful relationship together? What if more than one person exists out there who you could build an awesome life with? It doesn’t sound quite as romantic as “the one,” but it sure does take the pressure off!  

I would also argue that the “perfect” match doesn’t exist. We are all broken people, and when we bring our brokenness into relationship, it’s often messy and difficult, no matter how compatible we may be. We’ve got it all backwards-- we’re looking for the perfect match for US, all the while neglecting our own junk. It’s easy to write someone off for their flaws; it’s way more difficult to look inside and examine our own flaws and what brokenness we bring into relationship and look for a partner through those eyes.

No one wants to settle. And that’s not what I’m suggesting by any means. But until we become the “perfect” partner (which won’t happen, believe me), we need to stop looking for the “perfect” partner, and recognize the real-life humans who we are meeting.

When people talk about meeting their “soulmates,” chances are they’ve been together a while. And chance are that they’ve forgotten how they’ve grown together during that time. In the same way that you don’t become best friends right away with someone you’ve just met-- that sounds ludicrous. And meeting your soulmate right out the gate is even more ludicrous.

So take some of the pressure off, get out there, meet lots of folks and learn what it is that you bring to the table and what you want and need your person to bring to the table. And be gracious. Not only with these folks you’re dating, but also yourself-- this process is so hard all around, but it’s worth it in the end, I promise.

Dating is hard...

There are plenty of fish in the sea and tons of dating apps to choose from and loads of great single people out there looking for love. So why is the process of finding someone so hard? There’s no sugar coating it— if you’ve ever dated, you know. With more and more apps and seemingly fewer and fewer eligible partners, what are you to do?!

In this hook-up culture we live in, finding something meaningful and lasting can be a real challenge. But it’s certainly not impossible.

You are an amazing woman who has so much love to give, I just know it. Because you are out there looking, because you are here reading, I believe that there is someone looking for you with the same persistence! I am here to help you find your fish, to champion you and challenge you, to walk with you on this journey to find love!

You’ve come to the right place. Let’s go fishing!