What is a skill?
One of the definitions in the Cambridge Dictionary is “an ability to do an activity or job well, because you have practised it” (practice with an s because they’re British).
Riding a bike is a skill. Playing a sport is a skill. Playing an instrument is a skill. Learning another language is a skill. Interviewing is a skill. Public speaking is a skill. Networking is a skill. Small talk is a skill. Holding a conversation is a skill. Heck, kissing is a skill. And yes, even dating is a skill. You weren’t born with the innate knowledge of how to meet up with a stranger to see if you’d like to spend the rest of your lives together.
We take such umbrage at this idea, because it’s not romantic. It’s not sexy to have to practice dating to get good at it. (And what does being good at dating even mean?!) Yet if you were to decide to learn to play the violin, no one would scoff at your for hiring a teacher. Or if you wanted to learn another language, you’d hire a tutor. Want to get better at basketball? You’d hire a coach. And you’d practice your tail off if you really wanted to get good at those things. Sure, if you were tall and strong, maybe basketball would come more easily to you without too too much practice, but that’s not true for most of us.
Sometimes, in our profiles, we present our ideal selves instead of our real selves: pictures from 10#s ago, embellished stories, higher income… all the things we wished we had, but don’t. And we swipe, swipe, swipe on folks who are also presenting their ideal selves (generally speaking). Sometimes, folks are great at having a conversation via text, but cannot for the life of them, have a conversation in person or over the phone with the opposite sex. (That’s also a skill, I’d argue.)
This is really good news, ladies.
Because if dating is a skill and talking on the phone with a guy is a skill and kissing is a skill, you have all the control in the world to IMPROVE your skills.
How do you improve your skills? Practice practice practice. Go on lots of dates! Kiss lots of frogs (if that’s your jam). Meet lots of new people, people who are different from you, people with different interests, people with different experiences, people with different preferences.
Different isn’t bad or good; it’s just different. I can tell you from my own experience that if you are willing to open your mind to the plethora of options out there while you’re looking for Mr. Right, you might just surprise yourself and find that what you thought you were looking for is in fact not at all what you want. And vice versa-- things you thought, ew, gross, no thanks, may be the very things that attracts you to someone else.
I’m absolutely not advocating reckless behavior or promiscuity. I’m simply suggesting that you start saying YES! Even if you think that he’s a dud and that you have no future together. Because the truth is, you don’t really know, and you won’t really know until you try.
My love guru used to remind me before every. single. date. that I was simply meeting another human being, that it was nothing more and nothing less than that. And that was my mantra when I was out on dates with guys who I didn’t think were quite right for me. I showed up, did my best to be fully present with him and if I felt like there were fundamental irreconcilable differences, I’d call it a day. But I showed up. Again and again and again.
What about you? What small step can you take to say yes this week? Yes to a new experience. Yes to a new person. Yes to yourself! Let me know! I’d love to hear from you.