Today, more and more singles are staying single for longer, and despite plentiful availability of partners (or at least potential partners) via social media and online dating, more and more folks are still single. We all have single friends who make us scratch our heads-- “Why is he or she still single?! They’re such a great catch and anyone would be lucky to be with them!” So what gives?
I blame it on the myth of “the one,” soulmates and the “spark.” Somehow, we’ve collectively accepted the idea that if there’s no spark on the first date and if we can’t picture our whole life together with this person after a single meal or cup of coffee, then he or she is simply not the one.
But what if there’s no such thing as “the one”? What if there is more than one person who could be your “perfect” match? I know I’m stepping into sacrilegious territory here, but stick with me.
What if your soulmate isn’t someone you meet? What if you become soulmates as you create a healthy, meaningful relationship together? What if more than one person exists out there who you could build an awesome life with? It doesn’t sound quite as romantic as “the one,” but it sure does take the pressure off!
I would also argue that the “perfect” match doesn’t exist. We are all broken people, and when we bring our brokenness into relationship, it’s often messy and difficult, no matter how compatible we may be. We’ve got it all backwards-- we’re looking for the perfect match for US, all the while neglecting our own junk. It’s easy to write someone off for their flaws; it’s way more difficult to look inside and examine our own flaws and what brokenness we bring into relationship and look for a partner through those eyes.
No one wants to settle. And that’s not what I’m suggesting by any means. But until we become the “perfect” partner (which won’t happen, believe me), we need to stop looking for the “perfect” partner, and recognize the real-life humans who we are meeting.
When people talk about meeting their “soulmates,” chances are they’ve been together a while. And chance are that they’ve forgotten how they’ve grown together during that time. In the same way that you don’t become best friends right away with someone you’ve just met-- that sounds ludicrous. And meeting your soulmate right out the gate is even more ludicrous.
So take some of the pressure off, get out there, meet lots of folks and learn what it is that you bring to the table and what you want and need your person to bring to the table. And be gracious. Not only with these folks you’re dating, but also yourself-- this process is so hard all around, but it’s worth it in the end, I promise.