When things don't go as planned...

I officially launched my business in May of 2019. I had been exploring the world of coaching, and through a series of events that seemed too perfectly timed to be coincidence, I began working with a (very expensive) coach on building my coaching practice. I learned a lot from her in the six months we worked together, but I couldn't seem to get my sea legs under her guidance. She had been mentored into a VERY specific way of coaching and communicating that she was teaching me, but it just wasn't ME; it was very stuffy and formal (hopefully 2 words you'd NEVER use to describe me ;)), and any attempt to find my own voice was met with correction and redirection.

I worked hard to find clients, but the way I was going about it felt calculated, formulaic and manipulative; in a word, GROSS. This coach was wildly successful (or so she told me) being calculated, formulaic and manipulative, so I erroneously assumed that her way was THE way to do things. But I just couldn't HACK IT! I had some success and worked with a few incredible women, who helped confirm for me that I really DID indeed want to coach single women! 

My first coach said that successful coaches always have a coach themselves, so when I finished my contract with her, I knew I needed something different, and I immediately jumped in with someone new, someone whose approach was almost completely opposite, very relaxed, very much about me finding my own voice and way. But her tactics and techniques involved a lot of f-bombs and boobs and lingerie in her content, and again, it just wasn't ME. I again had some success (despite not swearing or bearing all on the internet) and continued to work with some incredible women, but again, nothing sustainable.

My contract ended with her at about the same time I quit my day job. I thought that maybe the kick in the pants I needed to actually get some momentum in my business was to go ALL IN, to have the financial pressure to help spur me to action. I joined another mastermind and coaching group shortly after quitting my job, but I wasn't able to actually take my business anywhere. Again, some success, but nothing sustainable...

What was wrong with me?! Others seemed to be able to create these businesses of their DREAMS, have time freedom, location freedom, travel while making money in their sleep, all while doing meaningful work that they LOVED and I just couldn't HACK IT! Was it me?! Did I need another degree? (Probably not, but I got one anyway.) Was it a course I needed? (No, but do I have a graveyard of expensive, unwatched business courses claiming to be just the thing I needed? You bet I do.) Was it the coaches I was hiring?! (Maybe I just needed someone NEW!) What was the missing piece in all of this?!

Does this sound familiar? Maybe you're not an entrepreneur, but maybe you've had these thoughts about dating (I know I sure did!):

What is wrong with me? Others seem to find the relationships of their dreams, have their white picket fences, and live happily ever after... Why can't I HACK it?! Is it me?! Do I need a different app? Do I need new profile pictures? Maybe I need better hobbies. Maybe I need to go out more. Maybe I need to do what this gal or that gal did. What is the missing piece in all this?!

Part of the problem in both business AND in dating? Outsourcing agency. Looking for answers OUT THERE. I tried everyone else's plans, their tips, tricks, techniques, tactics... and they ultimately FAILED ME! Because they were too prescriptive and inauthentic to who I AM and how I operate in the world!

Does this sound like you too? Have you experienced this kind of frustration? What has been your biggest obstacle when it comes to meeting someone? Comment below!

Tomorrow, we’ll be exploring the missing piece in all my business missteps…

Swipe left, swipe right

Swipe, swipe, swipe…

Are your thumbs tired from all that swiping? Girl, I hear you. Online dating is exhausting. You have a great profile, lots of cute pics of you and your dog and your friends and your adorable nephew and you doing your favorite activities, all while looking fresh and fabulous, of course. You know you’re a catch, your family knows you’re a catch, your friends know you’re a catch. So why aren’t you happily coupled already?!

With all the dating apps out there today, it’s tough to say for sure if you’re even looking in the right place, given all the niche sites out there now. Match based on dog preferences, music tastes, celebrity look-alikes, farmers tans). I mean, do you really need to have an active profile on ALL THE SITES?! I need a nap just thinking about it. Thankfully, Consumer Advocate has done a lot of the legwork for you! Check out this comprehensive guide to the top online dating sites, their features, services, and what to watch out for when using them. This site is GOLD if you’re getting into online dating, truly.

But seriously. In a city of an estimated 18.1 MILLION people here in this sprawling metropolis of Los Angeles, and on a planet of 7.3 BILLION people, there’s got to be SOMEONE out there for you, right?! Absofrickenlutely. So what gives?

First and foremost, “online dating” is a misnomer. You do NONE of your dating online. A more apt name for the whole process would be “online MEETING.” You meet online; you date offline. As we have more and more real-time online interactions, it can be easy to feel like you are offline! Heck, you can join practically ANYONE on their day-to-day endeavors via Instagram & SnapChat. But don’t be fooled. You’re still online! And offline is where the magic is!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting abandoning online dating altogether. Quite the contrary! I am suggesting it be used for the very powerful tool that it is-- an instrument of MEETING.

So if offline is where the magic is, GO TO THE MAGIC AND GET OFFLINE ASAP! Have a few phone conversations or FaceTime to vet the guy. There’s a lot to be learned about a guy through his voice, conversation style, listening abilities, capacity to ask meaningful questions. But even the phone still isn’t fully real life!

With all the crazies out there, I’m not advising anything stupid. This person, no matter how many phone calls you’ve had or how deep you’ve found yourself on his IG feed, is still a stranger. Be smart; be safe.

What I’m suggesting is that you get offline and into the real world as soon as possible. No pen pals allowed. The difficulty with keeping things online for too long is you begin to fall in like with the highlight reel, not what is actually real (we all know the highlight reel is a version of reality as seen through the rosiest of colored glasses).

So keep your expectations low (as in, based in REALITY!), and proceed to getting offline as soon as is humanly possible, so you can meet a real person in real life, and not find yourself disappointed by a figment of your imagination. (Or maybe reality will be disappointing, but at least you’ll know and won’t spend weeks or months (and valuable brain space) building up something up that wasn’t for you in the first place.)

As John Michael Montgomery crooned, “Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.”

Give those thumbs a rest and put on your dancing shoes, ladies!

The Myth of "The One"

Today, more and more singles are staying single for longer, and despite plentiful availability of partners (or at least potential partners) via social media and online dating, more and more folks are still single. We all have single friends who make us scratch our heads-- “Why is he or she still single?! They’re such a great catch and anyone would be lucky to be with them!” So what gives?

I blame it on the myth of “the one,” soulmates and the “spark.” Somehow, we’ve collectively accepted the idea that if there’s no spark on the first date and if we can’t picture our whole life together with this person after a single meal or cup of coffee, then he or she is simply not the one.

But what if there’s no such thing as “the one”? What if there is more than one person who could be your “perfect” match? I know I’m stepping into sacrilegious territory here, but stick with me.

What if your soulmate isn’t someone you meet? What if you become soulmates as you create a healthy, meaningful relationship together? What if more than one person exists out there who you could build an awesome life with? It doesn’t sound quite as romantic as “the one,” but it sure does take the pressure off!  

I would also argue that the “perfect” match doesn’t exist. We are all broken people, and when we bring our brokenness into relationship, it’s often messy and difficult, no matter how compatible we may be. We’ve got it all backwards-- we’re looking for the perfect match for US, all the while neglecting our own junk. It’s easy to write someone off for their flaws; it’s way more difficult to look inside and examine our own flaws and what brokenness we bring into relationship and look for a partner through those eyes.

No one wants to settle. And that’s not what I’m suggesting by any means. But until we become the “perfect” partner (which won’t happen, believe me), we need to stop looking for the “perfect” partner, and recognize the real-life humans who we are meeting.

When people talk about meeting their “soulmates,” chances are they’ve been together a while. And chance are that they’ve forgotten how they’ve grown together during that time. In the same way that you don’t become best friends right away with someone you’ve just met-- that sounds ludicrous. And meeting your soulmate right out the gate is even more ludicrous.

So take some of the pressure off, get out there, meet lots of folks and learn what it is that you bring to the table and what you want and need your person to bring to the table. And be gracious. Not only with these folks you’re dating, but also yourself-- this process is so hard all around, but it’s worth it in the end, I promise.